The Rhode Island Red Awards

Quotables!
“We’re a nudist campground. We’re not clothing optional. We found over the years, with clothing optional places, you get more gawkers, people who just want to show up and look.”
Dyer Woods Nudist Campgrounds president Jim Johnson, explaining that despite its dress policy, lifeguards would nevertheless be allowed to wear a bathing suit.

Photograph: WPRI 12 eyewitness news and Fox Providence.

TRUE! Here’s why we love our public officials:

TRUE! They know which way the wind is blowing!
State Rep Justin Price co-sponsored a bill banning outhouses, following a neighbor dispute in Exeter about a privy with fragrance issues. “It wouldn’t be a problem if they were on a ten-acre parcel,” says Price. “It’s right next to somebody’s property line where they park their cars. You could tell someone was using it.”

TRUE! They almost never say never!
In June, one-time state Rep John Carnevale indicated he was planning to make a political comeback, after dropping out of a 2016 race when it turned out he lived in Johnston, not Providence where he’d claimed. Two months later, Carnevale pleaded no contest to perjury, ending his current political dream.

TRUE! They’re candid!
“Ask DOT. A traffic engineer I am not.” Governor Gina Raimondo’s response when asked for solutions to the massive I-195 west construction mess created by state highway work in August.

Quotables!
“There was a little beef between us. It was nothing major, just a small money dispute. We settled it in the ring and now we’re just going to go our separate ways.”
Fighter Michael Cook describing a Friday night West Warwick fight club where guys can settle real-life grudges in a boxing ring.

Illustrations by Matt Castigliego.

DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST

That would explain the razor blades.
According to Warwick police, a man shoplifted $900 worth of loot including Rogaine, razor blades, Nexium, Prilosec and gift bags from a Stop and Shop. Police say he had a distinctive tattoo on his leg and needed a shave.

Don’t mind the gaps.
According to one official, the hundreds of small cracks in the concrete of the five-year-old Sakonnet River Bridge are strictly cosmetic but will be fixed. “It’s not the bridge we would have designed, but it’s the bridge we’ve taken on,” he said.

Nothing like some blunt talk.
During a candidates’ forum, compassionate party members and 2018 election candidates Alan Gordon and Ann Armstrong snapped at opponents who used the word “marijuana,” calling it racist. Gordon and Armstrong, who run a cannabis healing clinic, had been busted a few weeks earlier for possession of forty-eight pounds of pot.

“Cooler and Warmer” anyone?
Gina Raimondo admitted that a TV attack ad criticizing opponent Alan Fung’s record as Cranston mayor showed run-down buildings that were actually in Providence.

Celebridiculous: Too much PDA division.
Former Ms. Universe and social media influencer Olivia Culpo and on-again, off-again BF Danny Amendola were having such a hot makeout session in a Newport restaurant that folks nearby complained to the management.

Call me!
Lawyer Ronald J. Resmini spent $53,000 to secure the number 401-444-4444 for his Providence office.

Survey says….
According to one estimate, Rhode Islanders won’t walk more than twenty-five minutes to get anywhere, which doesn’t really explain why we’re also the second most body confident in the country.

What’s next? A mullet on the Independent Man?
Federal Hill merchants were steamed when the city filled the partially inoperable DePasquale Square fountain with flowers and greenery after the iconic landmark cracked over the winter. “It’s ridiculous,” said one neighbor. “It looks like some kind of funeral parlor.”

Look what you made me do!
A Connecticut man, who apparently wanted to propose to Taylor Swift, robbed a bank, drove some sixty miles to Watch Hill, and threw some of the $1,600 over the fence of her waterfront mansion.

Sounds like they could use a Lyft.
Uber suspended service for two months to customers wanting a pick-up at T.F. Green after a spat over fees with airport officials.

Quotables!
“The Rhode Island state bird is the Rhode Island red rooster. They make natural noises.”
Hopkinton resident Jeremy Palmer in response to three tickets he received when a neighbor complained to police about the 4 a.m. crowing of his roosters, Julio, Bobby James and Fog Horn. Local zoning allows keeping livestock in that rural town, and a petition with some 900 signatures supported Palmer.