Inside the Current (Ocean) State of Online Dating in Rhode Island

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A friend recently sent me a meme that read, “Check on your friends who are trying to find love on dating apps. We are not OK.”

As a perpetually single millennial woman, naturally I laughed.

But then I got to thinking: Are we OK?

It’s no secret that the current state of dating is … interesting, to say the least. I’m sure even those of you who are still with your elementary school sweethearts or who met your S.O. on day one of Chem 101 at URI have heard the (horror) stories from your non-partnered friends. Long gone are the days when you casually lock eyes with your soulmate at a bar or a coffee shop; our gazes are all far too preoccupied by our latest matches.

I’ve had the distinct (dis)pleasure of having dated both before and after dating apps took the world by storm, when the shame of having connected with someone on OKCupid would have you telling your friends that you met through a co-worker. But now it’s commonplace, and the app avenues are endless.

Looking for a hookup? Just download Tinder. More marriage material? Log on to eharmony. Not the best conversation starter? Hinge’s prompts can do the heavy lifting for you. Crave a simple life in the country? FarmersOnly should get you there.

Even if you think you’ve found the right niche, you still need to weed through the actual profiles. It’s not as simple as, “Oh this person is cute, let me swipe right.” The experienced user will know to take those few extra seconds to assess.

For one, there can be a lot of monotony, and a lot of beige flags (see glossary below). I’m talking women with cartoon dog ears slapped on. Every. Single. Selfie. And men who are downright convinced that posting a photo of their (honestly mediocre — trust me, I’ve seen bigger) catch from the one and only time they ever went fishing will somehow hook, line and sink them a date.

Seriously, nothing will make me abort mission faster than a filter or a fish.

But that’s not to say people won’t keep you on your toes — my acronym knowledge has certainly increased over the years. Now I know that the seemingly random appearance of a four-letter combination is likely someone’s Myers-Briggs personality type. Or if I see “partnered and ENM,” I know they probably aren’t the one for little old monogamous me.

Courtesy of Kaitlyn Murray

You also become well-versed in the art of the emoji. A lot of it is not fit for print, but just know that the sending of an eggplant or a peach is almost never related to actual food (at least not in the traditional sense).

Then there are the new, ever-changing rules and terms: You have to put on the rizz, but not so much that it comes off as love bombing. You need to know when you’re just in a situationship vs. when it’s OK to soft launch. And if you’re not feeling someone, ghosting is the absolute worst, but breadcrumbing sucks, too.

You also can’t chat too much in the app or else you’ll run the risk of having nothing to talk about in person. But at the same time, you must do your due diligence to make sure you’re not catching a drive-in movie with a serial killer.

Yes, catfishing is still alive and well, folks.

And that’s just the online dating world in general — add in trying to navigate it in the smallest state in the country and it’s nearly impossible.

Once, I handed my phone over to my married friend for fun to see if she could do a better job of finding me an acceptable suitor. Five minutes on Bumble and she had me matched with my high school best friend’s first boyfriend (make that first love), who would have decidedly not made the cut had I been left to my own devices. He thought I was genuinely interested, and I have not known peace since.

Another time, I stumbled upon the profile of a former roommate’s newly minted husband. Luckily, I did not have to be the bearer of any bad news because, as it turns out, they were looking for a unicorn (again, see glossary) to spice up their marriage. Which, no judgment, but I also didn’t need to know, you know?

You’re constantly running into exes; your cousin’s best friend whose toxic dating history you know way too much about; people you turned down in person who think maybe they can get a chance in the online world instead; that weird kid in pre-K who used to steal your pretzels; and so on.

Or, when you finally, finally find someone you somehow have no connection to and who just might be worth the effort, they drop that the distance from North Kingstown to Providence is just too great.

So, are we OK? Debatable. But here’s the thing: Modern dating isn’t completely without its perks. I’m glad I can often avoid awkward in-person propositions from acquaintances by declining to match with them online. Moreover, the nice thing about having a snapshot of a stranger’s life and relationship goals in one place is you can sometimes tell right away whether you will vibe with them.

This person doesn’t want a family? I wish them all the best. She’s a picky eater? Onto a different potential dinner date. Oh, that’s how he feels about the current political climate? Boy, bye.

Sure, you could end up hastily rejecting someone with whom you could develop a true connection, but I’m of the opinion that a lot of times, especially as you get older and know what you want, it truly helps you save time.

And who knows? Maybe I’ll still find someone in the produce section at Dave’s. But in the meantime, it’s nice to think that if my future spouse got held up at work and couldn’t make our fated meet cute by the carrots, maybe they’ll stumble upon my profile when they get home, and we’ll get our second chance. So, for now, it’s back to swiping. 

Modern Love Glossary

Situationship: A relationship of convenience that has no clear exclusivity status and, for many, is devastating when it inevitably comes to an end.

*Ghosting: Cutting off all contact with someone suddenly and with no explanation.

*Submarining: Similar to ghosting, but the person will resurface every few months to check in before disappearing again.

*Breadcrumbing: Leading someone on by trailing little bits of hope, usually through sporadic messages and plans to meet up.

Rizz: Short for charisma. (It was also Oxford English Dictionary’s 2023 word of the year.)

*Love Bombing: Overwhelming a prospective partner with constant contact, grand romantic gestures and gifts, often to gain power in the relationship.

Cuffing: Settling down with a significant other, usually during the winter (aka cuffing season).

ENM or Ethically Nonmonogamous: The practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who all consent to the situation.

Unicorn: A third in the relationship. Typically applies to bisexual women.

Flags: Much like a flag at the beach warning visitors of dangerous swimming conditions, a red flag warns of a potential partner’s disturbing or inexcusable behavior. A beige flag, meanwhile, is often concerning but not necessarily a dealbreaker, while a green flag equals “put a ring on it.”

Launching: The way you introduce a relationship; more specifically on Instagram. A soft launch is subtle — such as the consistent appearance of a hand or sound of a voice in the background of an Instagram story. A hard launch makes things official, like when you post a picture together to the grid and tag them. 

E/N: Please note that while some of the above terms are seemingly fun and quippy, many (designated with a *) can also be indicators of abusive behavior, including psychological manipulation and early warning signals for intimate partner violence (IPV). If you feel unsafe in your relationship, please consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.