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Rhode Island Monthly /  October 2009 /  Finding Love in RI /  Tough Love

Tough Love

Someone will date George Clooney, but it’s not going to be you.

We know, it’s harsh. The thing is, everyone loves to give single people 
advice (all together now: “It will happen when you least expect it”), but hardly anyone tells us what we really need to hear. We asked Tri-State Dating owner John Holt, now in his eighteenth year of “realistic matchmaking” in Rhode Island, to get our heads out of the clouds and our hearts set on finding honest-to-goodness, real love.

What is “realistic” matchmaking? I preach patience and realism. If you know who you are and date within your zone, you are going to save yourself a lot of frustration.

What is someone’s zone? If you expect someone else to have it, you should be able to meet the same criteria. Hollywood actors date Hollywood actresses. Wealthy people date other wealthy people. A lawyer tends to seek out someone with the same level of education.

What do you tell people who are afraid of settling for too 
little? I hear that a lot from women: “I won’t settle, John.” You have to be careful of what I call “total package-ism.” Tall, dark, handsome, great career, great assets, great education — if any one of those pieces is missing, some women don’t consider a man dateable. I think less than 4 percent of all men in the United States meet those criteria.

Do men have the same unfair expectations? There are a lot of average-looking men who feel anything less than a total knockout would be a disappointment.

Where does this thinking come from? The idea of instant gratification is embedded in this country. We want it right, and we want it yesterday. The retail model doesn’t work for dating. This is not buying Firestone tires or suits off the rack. A lot of people have great qualities, but you have to give them a chance.

What do you consider a fair chance? I’ve had people who’ve been very successful with a “four date” rule. If someone has redeemable qualities, they give them four dates — just keep it light and have fun and don’t make any decisions until the fourth date. Those people succeed more than others do. I also preach the 80 percent rule. If somebody has 80 percent of what you want, pay attention.

Should you keep dating someone if there’s no chemistry? When somebody says there’s no chemistry, they usually mean the visual appeal wasn’t there. Real chemistry is when a conversation connects really well and it’s just flowing. You can develop that. I believe in personality. If someone has a magnificent personality, you will be able to have fun with them and build chemistry that way.

Some couples have instant fireworks. What do you tell singles who say, “If it can happen for them, why shouldn’t it happen for me?” It does happen. Some people see each other and know this is it. But it happens for very few. Other people get to know each other slowly and think, “You know, he’s a little more than I thought he was.” I preach patience. I really want people to succeed.

What kinds of dating mistakes do you see people making? Have fun. Don’t interrogate each other. There are people on a phone call talking about their lifetime goals and how many children they want and they haven’t even gone on a date yet. You can scare someone away pretty quickly being too intense, going down a laundry list.

What is good first-date conversation? 
Never talk about your exes. Do not bring negativity to the table. Keep it light. Smile. Show that you’re interested in the other person. It shouldn’t just be the guy talking about himself. Men think they have to spout off their credentials. Meanwhile, the woman is sitting there, waiting, “Is he going to ask about me?”

What other dating complaints do you hear? Men are always complaining to me that women aren’t dressing femininely enough. They don’t mean provocative — they mean dresses, skirts, heels. Men discriminate against weight. Women discriminate against height and bad teeth. Smokers have a harder time dating people. Sometimes it’s just a simple change you could make, like trimming back a beard, but people want to be taken as they are, and I can understand that.

Do you think there’s any self-sabotage involved there? I see it all the time. It’s great if you can force someone to reject you so you can say it wasn’t your fault. If you want to be alone, you should stay alone. There’s nothing wrong with it.

Is it really harder to date in Rhode Island? Rhode Island has a very strong blue-collar population and a lot of highly educated, professional women. I know a lot of great blue-collar guys, but it seems with the very educated, more upscale women, I’m forever matching them with men in Connecticut and Massachusetts.

Does your honesty get you into trouble? Sometimes I’m telling people what they don’t want to hear, but what kind of service would I be providing if I set people up to be rejected?

For more about Tri-State Dating Services, visit tri-statedatingservice.com.

        

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