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Someone will date George Clooney, but it’s not going to be you.
We know, it’s harsh. The thing is, everyone loves to give single people advice (all together now: “It will happen when you least expect it”), but hardly anyone tells us what we really need to hear. We asked Tri-State Dating owner John Holt, now in his eighteenth year of “realistic matchmaking” in Rhode Island, to get our heads out of the clouds and our hearts set on finding honest-to-goodness, real love.
What is “realistic” matchmaking? I preach patience and realism. If you know who you are and date within your zone, you are going to save yourself a lot of frustration.
What is someone’s zone? If you expect someone else to have it, you should be able to meet the same criteria. Hollywood actors date Hollywood actresses. Wealthy people date other wealthy people. A lawyer tends to seek out someone with the same level of education.
What do you tell people who are afraid of settling for too
little? I hear that a lot from women: “I won’t settle, John.” You have to be careful of what I call “total package-ism.” Tall, dark, handsome, great career, great assets, great education — if any one of those pieces is missing, some women don’t consider a man dateable. I think less than 4 percent of all men in the United States meet those criteria.
Do men have the same unfair expectations? There are a lot of average-looking men who feel anything less than a total knockout would be a disappointment.
Where does this thinking come from? The idea of instant gratification is embedded in this country. We want it right, and we want it yesterday. The retail model doesn’t work for dating. This is not buying Firestone tires or suits off the rack. A lot of people have great qualities, but you have to give them a chance.
What do you consider a fair chance? I’ve had people who’ve been very successful with a “four date” rule. If someone has redeemable qualities, they give them four dates — just keep it light and have fun and don’t make any decisions until the fourth date. Those people succeed more than others do. I also preach the 80 percent rule. If somebody has 80 percent of what you want, pay attention.
Should you keep dating someone if there’s no chemistry? When somebody says there’s no chemistry, they usually mean the visual appeal wasn’t there. Real chemistry is when a conversation connects really well and it’s just flowing. You can develop that. I believe in personality. If someone has a magnificent personality, you will be able to have fun with them and build chemistry that way.
Some couples have instant fireworks. What do you tell singles who say, “If it can happen for them, why shouldn’t it happen for me?” It does happen. Some people see each other and know this is it. But it happens for very few. Other people get to know each other slowly and think, “You know, he’s a little more than I thought he was.” I preach patience. I really want people to succeed.
What kinds of dating mistakes do you see people making? Have fun. Don’t interrogate each other. There are people on a phone call talking about their lifetime goals and how many children they want and they haven’t even gone on a date yet. You can scare someone away pretty quickly being too intense, going down a laundry list.
What is good first-date conversation?
Never talk about your exes. Do not bring negativity to the table. Keep it light. Smile. Show that you’re interested in the other person. It shouldn’t just be the guy talking about himself. Men think they have to spout off their credentials. Meanwhile, the woman is sitting there, waiting, “Is he going to ask about me?”
What other dating complaints do you hear? Men are always complaining to me that women aren’t dressing femininely enough. They don’t mean provocative — they mean dresses, skirts, heels. Men discriminate against weight. Women discriminate against height and bad teeth. Smokers have a harder time dating people. Sometimes it’s just a simple change you could make, like trimming back a beard, but people want to be taken as they are, and I can understand that.
Do you think there’s any self-sabotage involved there? I see it all the time. It’s great if you can force someone to reject you so you can say it wasn’t your fault. If you want to be alone, you should stay alone. There’s nothing wrong with it.
Is it really harder to date in Rhode Island? Rhode Island has a very strong blue-collar population and a lot of highly educated, professional women. I know a lot of great blue-collar guys, but it seems with the very educated, more upscale women, I’m forever matching them with men in Connecticut and Massachusetts.
Does your honesty get you into trouble? Sometimes I’m telling people what they don’t want to hear, but what kind of service would I be providing if I set people up to be rejected?
For more about Tri-State Dating Services, visit tri-statedatingservice.com.
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Copyright 2012 Rhode Island Monthly
Please be civil. We reserve the right to edit or delete any comments.
Reader Comments:
The following is an email exchange between John Holt and myself after only a phone conversation. During this conversation, I told John I was looking for a man between the ages of about 28-35 (I am 29), a single professional, preferably with a college degree. I said I would prefer someone who did not have children, but would not rule that out. John informed me that the guy I just described was looking for a "charm on the arm". I described my physical appearance. While I will never be a model, I am attractive and have a lot to offer. We discussed the dating pool out there, dating strategies, and he gave me pricing information. We ended the conversation with me saying I would think about it. Several days later, the following email exchange occurred:
John's email (my name is removed):
Hi,
The conversation must have been somewhat interesting the other night. There are no quick fixes in dating men these days. I have seen trends in my business in the 18 plus years I have been doing this. The best advice to you is to try many avenues, my service perhaps can someday produce a result. My service is safer and more serious than on line dating where anything could happen. I know who my members are. If you want to talk to me this weekend call xxx-xxxx.
John Holt
Hi John,
Thanks for following up. I have decided to continue through the dating scene on my own. I appreciate the time you spent answering my questions.
John's response:
Good luck you will need it.
My Response:
Thanks for confirming that I made the right decision with that comment.
John's response:
Dreams are just that, dreams. I run into all kinds of dreamers, looking for that professional guy and what the professional successful guy is looking for is slim, slender, gorgeous woman and the dreamer turns 40 and stays single.Good luck to you as I said you'll need it.
While I expected a blunt exchange, John is downright inappropriate and disrespectful!!!
I was just led to this page by a comment I received on my blog. Here are the two posts I wrote this morning regarding John Holt and his amazing unprofessionalism and ad hominem attacks:
http://saucyvixen.blogspot.com/2011/10/tri-state-dating-service-spelling.html
And:
http://saucyvixen.blogspot.com/2011/10/warning-do-not-use-tri-state-dating.html
They pretty much say all that needs to be said about Mr. Holt, his business, and how he treats people in general.
In response to the defamatory statement made about my by a woman who calls herself Saucy vixen, I never have given myself the title of professional writer. I write my blog posts with the firm belief that the truth is in the content. There will be individuals who choose through anger to lash out at my philosophy. I believe in what I do. Being realistic in dating is the only way you will succeed. Someone who calls herself saucy vixen should be scrutinized for credability. I have forwarded her comments to an attorney for review.
In regard to the other post, I simply told an unrealistic woman the truth about who she could be dating. I'm sorry she couldn't handle the truth. It is difficult to hear what you don't want to hear. Dreams are unattainable, isn't it time that singles embraced realism.
John Holt
I just logged on to RI Monthly Magazine to re-read the artcle that lead me to Tri State dating Service in 2009, when I found this exchange of emails between Sausyvixen and John Holt. I felt obligated to comment. I called TriState Dating Service after reading the article in RI Monthy magazine. John was very respectful and polite to me. He allowed me all the time I needed to tell him about my dating interests and past experiences. He gave me advise which I found very helpful. He talked to me about realistic dating. At that time, I was 38 and never married. He talked to me about my expectations and who I wanted to meet. I was so focussed on my "perfect match" that I was disqualifying men without ever giving them a chance to get to know them. After all, I was not going to "settle". I joined John's service and he introduced me to several different men. As I got to know John, his feedback from the men he matched me with and my own feedback to John, proved very valuable. I looked inward at myself and at my own expectations. I expanded my outlook and shortly after that, John introduced me to the man that I am engaged to today. I beleive John is very good at what he does. He has great insight and his blog articles are both entertaining and truthful. If there are gramatical errors or spelling mistakes, so what! I didn't join John's service to get an English degree(I already have a degree). I joined because he has experience in the dating field and knows what he is talking about. John has a direct approach to people. If you are not used to honest people, or people telling you what you can expect instead of filling you full of "white lies" that do not help you realize your true potential, you may not appreciate John. However, if you want the truth, like it really is, so that you can finally realize who you are and who you can be with, you will appreciate John. I recommend John and his dating service. Forget about the spelling. Just join! Signed,
A satisfied customer.