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The Rhode Island Red Awards

This year, it was especially hard to decide who was most deserving of our Reds dedication. There are so many contenders: the Iway construction, the state budget, that guy with all the rats. Our fair state didn’t let us down. Which is why we here, at Reds HQ, are already looking forward to 2010.

Illustrated by Derek Stukuls

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I can’t sugarcoat this. Westbound traffic will actually get worse.
DOT head Michael Lewis responding to questions
about the opening of a new section of the Iway, at $610 million the state’s most expensive highway project, and designed to improve traffic flow
 

I’ve never heard of Max Man, and if there was a costumed superhero running around here, I would’ve known.
Westerly Y director Kristin Webber, when asked if Nathan Hannon, an employee of the RI Resource Recovery Corporation, had visited with a cartoon character as part of his education outreach job. Hannon was later fired after his bosses said he’d never been to that or other appointments, but had been reimbursed for travel expenses.
 

The town is full of visiting old folks, stuffy people and is not conducive to having a good time.
Shaun Sullivan, owner of Newport-based Model Cruises, announcing that his planned charters, featuring women dancing in bikinis, would not be offered due to a lack of reservations and lack of enthusiasm from fellow Newporters.
 

“I’ve been doing this a long time and I can’t find anything that says it’s illegal for a sixteen- or seventeen-year-old to take her top off and dance.”
Providence youth services Sergeant Carl Weston in response to reports that underage girls were working as strippers in city clubs.
 

“The emotional distress suffered by the plaintiffs is so severe that no reasonable person could be expected to endure it.”
A lawsuit filed against Verizon by Warwick residents Robert Bourne and Denise Roy and their two daughters in which they claimed they’d experienced “great pain, anxiety, nervousness and mental anguish,” due to unauthorized transmission of the Playboy channel.
 

Oh, just give them the finger.
No, no, the other finger!!
Rhode Island Hospital was fined $150,000 after surgeons operated on the wrong finger of a patient. It was the fifth wrong-site surgery at the hospital since 2007.
 

Hope that medical coverage includes a prescription for Lipitor.
  The General Assembly reported that in 2008, members ran up a $167,648 tab for beverages and food that included platters of veal and peppers, meatballs, turkey sandwiches, mustard pecan chicken and “assorted fancy desserts.” The annual food and drink budget is just one of the perks enjoyed by legislators, along with free dental, vision and health insurance.
 

And that white stuff you see outside in the winter is called s-n-o-w.
On January 13, the R.I. Emergency Management Agency issued a media advisory warning Rhode Islanders, “This Thursday through Saturday we may experience extreme cold temperatures.”
 

Running a stop sign?
Careening around on an expired license? Winding up on the wrong side of the road?
Sounds like a typical Rhode Island driver to us. Former Governor Bruce Sundlun was cited by a Jamestown police officer for driving with an expired license, failure to obey a stop sign, and crossing over the double yellow lines. Six months earlier, a Jamestown school bus driver reported Sundlun had gunned it past the bus while its red lights were flashing.