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The Rhode Island Red Awards
The best dubious moments of 2007: the dumb criminals, clueless politicians and misbegotten animals who remind us why we love living in our fair state.
By Sarah Francis
Illustration by Henning Wagenbreth
(page 2 of 3)
And you think airport parking’s a bitch now?Construction workers had to rebuild a temporary wall inside the T.F. Green terminal after wind blasted through the building, scattering drywall through the concourse and closing the airport for the first time since 9/11. An airport police officer jumped onto a full-size sailboat on display and lowered its sails before it crashed through the windows and into the parking lot.
Aren’t submarines supposed to be underwater?
The Juliett 484 sank to the bottom of the Providence River following a northeaster, but officials said they hoped the Russian sub would rise again.
That makes us feel much better.
Two lanes of I-295 and all four lanes of Mendon Road were closed after concrete from an overpass fell on the highway, damaging three cars. A DOT official said the twenty-foot piece of concrete was “decorative, not structural, material,” and there was “no structural impact at all to the bridge.”
When you’re hot, you’re hot.
Rhode Islanders spent $95,000 on renovations and fire-safety improvements to a state-owned building that was home to Club Desire, a strip club whose owner had been convicted of attempted arson.
Don’t tell us the bad news.
“The good news is that the Department of Transportation is largely up to date with its inspections of Rhode Island’s road and highway bridges,” Governor Carcieri said after a study found that Rhode Island has the highest percentage of “structurally deficient” or “functionally obsolete” bridges in the country.
Good thing his name isn’t, oh I dunno, Osama bin Ladin?
Fourteen-year-old honors student Marcus Murray of Lincoln has been searched by airport security at least ten times because his name matches someone on the terrorist watch list. A TSA spokeswoman said Marcus shouldn’t be singled out because “there are no children on any no-fly list.”
Hey kids! Let’s move an interstate highway!
On Sunday, November 4, the state DOT proudly opened the first segment of the $610 million Iway, a new interchange and I-195 segment designed to smooth out a regular cause of traffic jams. “The old 195 has so many sharp turns, so many on and off ramps too close to each other,” said DOT director Jerry Williams. “The new Iway will eliminate all of that.”
We’re sorry, sort of…
On Monday, November 5, state police received calls from motorists stuck in a massive evening traffic jam caused by lane modifications related to the new Iway. One reporter said it took her fifty-eight minutes to drive five miles from Pawtucket to Providence. “It’s going to take some time to get used to,” said DOT engineer Frank Corrao. “I don’t believe people were stuck in traffic [for hours].”
No, no, we really are sorry, and this time we mean it…
On Wednesday, November 7, the DOT repeatedly apologized as nightly traffic snarls on the Iway continued. “We really do apologize for any inconvenience this has caused,” said DOT public affairs officer Dana Nolfe, as officials promised to reduce congestion by immediately restriping lanes and opening a new entrance ramp months ahead of schedule.
Because office space in D.C. is so hard to find.
Rhode Islanders spent nearly $2,000 a month to pay the rent on a lobbyist’s D.C. office that stood empty for almost two years. Carcieri spokesman Jeff Neal defended the $50,000 expense saying, “The governor believes we should maintain that office because if we ever gave up the lease we would never get it back.”
We like gambling!
In the wake of a proposal to allow twenty-four-hour gambling at Twin River, Carcieri spokesman Jeff Neal admitted that his boss, who had vehemently opposed a possible Indian casino, did not object to the introduction of virtual table games because, he said, they’re not really any different from video slot machines.
We don’t like gambling!
In a nonbinding referendum, the town of Lincoln overwhelmingly voted down a proposal that would have allowed gambling at Twin River twenty-four hours a day and introduced virtual table games.
No, wait! We do like gambling!
A video slot machine at Twin River mistakenly paid out $450,115 more than it should have when it doubled gamblers’ money, giving them a credit for twice what they’d put in. The game, called Passion Coast, malfunctioned for seven weeks after it was installed before the error was detected.
But can she take shorthand?
Rhode Islanders spent $102,858 a year for the services of a “typist” supplied to the state Department of Transportation by Vanasse Hangen Brustlin, a Massachusetts engineering consulting company. The clerk-typist, one of thirty-six VHB contractors working at the DOT, made the equivalent of $38,181. The other $64,690 went to VHB as “overhead” and “profit.”
