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diggThe Rhode Island Red Awards
The best dubious moments of 2007: the dumb criminals, clueless politicians and misbegotten animals who remind us why we love living in our fair state.
By Sarah Francis
Illustration by Henning Wagenbreth
(page 1 of 3)
This year’s Reds are dedicated to that fine example of transportation planning, the Iway, and its tagline, “Yours, mine, ours.” (Memo to the DOT: In case you’re wondering, we’re not taking responsibility for this.) Just when we thought it was safe to get back on the highway, we found ourselves mesmerized by those illuminated billboards the DOT issued permits for before someone realized they might be a traffic hazard. Then we wound up on the new 195 extension in the worst traffic jam of the year, which gave us plenty of time to think about all the other dubious moments in 2007: the dumb criminals and clueless politicians, not to mention those misbegotten animals that remind us why we love living in our fair state. Thanks to you guys it’s been another banner year!Police Blotter part I:
Pawtucket officer Robert Piche responded to a call of a disturbance outside a restaurant lounge in which two men were “rolling around on the ground,” one of whom was missing half his ear, he said. Using his flashlight, Piche found the piece of ear in a nearby parking lot and gave it to a rescue crew. It was later reattached to its owner.
Police blotter part I I:
According to North Kingstown police, an unhappy Burger King customer whose “zesty sauce” was missing from his order “dropped a few f-bombs,” yelled and swore at the server, and kicked the door on his way out, breaking the glass. Officer Joel Mulligan escorted the customer back to the restaurant for identification, and he was later charged with vandalism and disorderly conduct.
Police blotter part I II:
A Warwick man who robbed a Cran-ston Citizens Bank branch was arrested at a nearby A.J. Wright store. Police said that after hitting the bank, William T. Archer immediately ran into the next-door clothing store and bought clothes. He was nabbed as he emerged from the men’s room, his pockets full of money from the bank.
Police blotter part IV:
A twenty-two-year-old Connecticut woman pleaded guilty to attempting to rob a Citizens Bank branch in Cranston. Police said Evonne D. Maurice of Westbrook pulled up in front of the bank in a rented limousine and passed a note to the teller demanding money. Maurice, who had hired the limo to go to Green Airport, told the driver she had missed her flight and asked him to take her to a bank so she could withdraw money and pay him.
Performance artist Michael Townsend was charged with trespassing after he, his wife and six friends constructed and resided in a 750-square-foot “apartment”in the Providence Place mall parking garage. The group had furnished the unheated loft space over a storage closet with a TV, a Sony Play-Station2, a sectional sofa, a love seat, a coffee table, a breakfast table and four chairs, lamps, a throw rug, several paintings, a hutch and a waffle iron.
Tiverton Schools Superintendent William Rearick banned a visit from the Easter Bunny at a middle-school craft fair and replaced him with an appearance by Peter Rabbit. He also told officials of the Tiverton Land Trust that a flier inviting children to an egg hunt could not include the word “Easter.” He was trying to be conscious of other people’s backgrounds and religious traditions, he said.
School daze part I:
A twelve-year-old boy from North Providence was charged with as-sault after allegedly pouring a bottle of glue on the head of a girl while they were on the bus. A school official said the incident occurred when the student approached a classmate, demanded her seat, and she said no.
School daze part II:
Maribel Santiago, thirty-four, and Ana Rivera, forty-four, were arrested and charged with simple assault after their daughters got into a fight outside Woonsocket Middle School in January. The daughters and two other thirteen-year-old girls were also charged with disorderly conduct. Police said Rivera drove her daughter to the school so she could fight Santiago’s daughter.
School daze part III:
Warwick middle school student Matt Lovino, thirteen, has determined that dogs do in fact, have cleaner mouths than humans. Matt’s experiment was part of a school science fair project and included taking swabs from his dog, Hunter, fourteen other canines and fifteen of Matt’s friends.
School daze part IV:
Saint Rose of Lima School in Warwick banned students from talking at lunch. If the lunchroom is loud, staff members can’t hear children choking, officials said. Students were also told to stay in their seats and were limited to one trip to the trash can.
Family fun part I
Robin Sevigny, thirty-six, was arrested on a simple assault charge following a fight with her niece. Woonsocket police said Sevigny slapped her teenage niece and pushed her to the ground after her niece and her daughter had words over a boy. Sevigny’s daughter was also arrested.
Family fun part II
A Woonsocket mother and her boyfriend were charged in Family Court after allegedly telling investigators they had sex in front of the woman’s nine-year-old daughter to teach her about the facts of life.
